Deciding whether or not to have a second
child can be agonizing. Two children is the norm. Yet more
and more couples are stopping with one. How can you determine
what's best for you?
Here are some tips for making one of life's
biggest decisions:
*Consult your
partner. Your spouse's insights may help with
your own thought process. It's also important to understand
each other's concerns. Hearing my husband's fear that
another child would stress our marriage, I kept date
night on the agenda after our second baby arrived.
*Don't rush. Having
children who are three years or less apart in age is hard
on parents early on. If you've just had your first and
aren't racing the biological clock, take a breather. Some
of the happiest parents have children who are widely spaced.
*Weigh the sibling
factor. Providing a sibling for your firstborn
is not a sufficient reason for having another baby. Not
all siblings get along, and singletons do fine. You need
to want to raise another child. If you want a playmate,
arrange a playdate.
*Visualize life
with two. With one child you can hang on to
your adult life. Two puts you firmly in the kiddie world.
Expect dinners at the pizza restaurant, not the bistro.
Prepare to double the sick days, but also double the
fun, especially as your kids grow and play together.
*Visualize life
with one. You get lots of time together with
an only child. You're also the default entertainment.
Count on enjoying a close, special relationship, and
playing a lot of Candyland.
*Think ahead. Okay,
so you want another baby. But do you want another teenager?
Or are you just trying to preserve the baby stage of parenthood,
which passes no matter how many kids you have?
*Consider your
resources.The second child can strain you financially,
emotionally and physically. But you'll also grow to meet
the challenges and realize how much you learned the first
time around.
*Reframe the question. How
would you feel upon learning that you couldn't have another
child? Sad? Relieved? Listen to your first reaction to
this question.
*Make a choice. Decisions
are hard, but empowering. If you can't decide, consult
a therapist. Therapy can be especially helpful if you and
your partner disagree on whether or not to have a second
baby. Recognize that stopping with one child is a choice
too.
*Revisit your
decision. Asked whether I
wanted a second when my first was a
baby I answered, "No way!" A
year later I'd decided to go for it.
Everything can look different once
your little one sleeps through the
night.
Rest can make you eager to have another,
or determined to stop with one! (c) 2006 Jennifer Bingham
Hull. Reprint rights granted as long as entire article is published,
including resource box and its live links.
About the Author
Jennifer Bingham Hull's award-winning book, Beyond
One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life, looks
at life after the second child. To learn more, visit www.growingafamily.com,
where you can contact her to receive this "Life Beyond
One" column regularly and sign up for her free newsletter. |
