Have a burning question
about parenting or the kids? Get advice here!
As the author of the award-winning book, Beyond
One: Growing a Family and Getting a Life, Jennifer Hull regularly
answers questions about family life. See the exchanges below for
her advice on deciding to have the second child, timing the next
baby, weighing the sibling factor, confronting second-child fears
and more.
(The following information
has been condensed and edited, with identifying details changed
to protect confidentiality.)
Q: I want to have a second child, but feel
conflicted. I worry that having another child will make it difficult
to stay close
to my firstborn, who is two years old. We have a very special
relationship. I'm also concerned that having a sibling will make
life difficult for her.
A: Your concerns are legitimate. Deciding
to have a second child is a big deal! Having one child may be
just the right choice for you. But given that you are writing to
the author of a book on having two, there is obviously part of you
that very much wants a second child. Also, something in your email
struck me very hard. So I'm going to do something I never would
normally do: make the sibling argument.
I am the older sister to two brothers - one three
years younger and one 14 years younger. I cannot tell you how much
it has meant to me to have siblings. I understand that this is not
your experience. Having a sibling, for you, appears to have had
a cost. That's unfortunate. However, your child wouldn't necessarily
experience the same problems. Instead, she could reap significant
benefits from having a sibling.
My girls are very close. I expect that they will
be lifelong buddies. Seeing them play together and having our outings
as a threesome is wonderful. One time I had to pull a thorn out
of my younger girl's foot. My older child, then about four years
old, jumped up and screamed, "No, no!" and tried to defend
her. This is pretty sweet stuff. It warms a mom's heart as much
as any special one-on-one mommy-daughter outing. I count on my girls
to support each other in the future.
You have a special sensitivity that would allow
you to make sure that your older daughter was not neglected if she
had a baby sister or brother. I can see that. And there are things
you can do to make sure that she will be okay.
Some are simple: like walking in a room and greeting
her first before tending to the baby. Others are more complex: like
putting her in preschool so she has her own world after baby comes.
You can leave the baby with dad for a few hours on the weekends
and go on errands with your firstborn - take her out for an ice
cream, whatever.
And as for "falling off the pedestal,"
well . . . personally I think that has been good for my older girl.
Having a sister has taught her to share, live with some choices
she doesn't want (like watching the movie her sister wants and she
doesn't), etc. She knows how fiercely I love her. She has also learned
that sometimes she has to wait for my attention. This has been a
good thing. Our outings as a threesome or - when my husband is along
as a foursome - are wonderful.
You fear losing closeness with your daughter.
I suggest that if you decide to have a second you commit to doing
everything you can to preserve that special relationship.
You know that the second child would give you
a whole new person to love. What you may not realize, given your
background, is that the second would give your daughter a whole
new person to love as well. Isabelle was so happy when her baby
sister came home. She helped me bathe the baby (she washed the feet).
Jessica was our little joint project. We shared the experience.
I am close to both of my girls. I put a lot of
time into that. I don't see friends as much as I would like. This
has been the big cost of having the second. But then, like you,
I wanted to stay close to my firstborn. So, instead of seeing a
girlfriend for dinner I'll take Isabelle out.
Enough said. Boy, I hate to write an email making
such a pitch. Believe me, if you decide to stop with one I'll be
the first to say bravo. Having one child has its own special advantages
and is the best choice for many people. However, if you end up having
a second, I'll pass on more tips for staying close to the first!
I hope this helps. Your daughter is lucky to have
such a sensitive, intelligent mom. Whatever happens, she's already
blessed.
Best wishes,
Jennifer
Author, Beyond One: Growing
a Family and Getting a Life
(The mom above gave birth to a second baby less
than a year after this exchange. Congratulations!)
Q: I have a very demanding job, working
the night shift. We have a 13-month-old child and want to have a
second, but I really don't feel I can handle another right now.
However, I also want to have my children grow up together and be
close. Should I wait or start trying to conceive the second baby
now?
A: You are smart to think carefully about when
to have the second child and what age gap to aim for with your
kids.
I think you would be wise to wait until your son
is at least two before trying for a second. Having kids who are
less than three years apart in age is considered "close spacing."
Most experts say having closely spaced kids is very stressful and
difficult in the early years. It's hard to deal with two children
who are in diapers!
But if you can space them farther apart with an
age gap of three years or more, it will be easier for you and they
can still be close and grow up together.
Nobody does well if mom is exhausted. It must
be very difficult as it is to be working the night shift and dealing
with a toddler! So, unless you are over 35 and fertility is a concern,
I would advise waiting.
Having more time will also allow you to recover
more from that first challenging year of motherhood and better prepare
for your second child.
I hope this helps!
Best wishes,
Jennifer
Author, Beyond One: Growing
a Family and Getting a Life
Q: I'm a grandmother. My daughter has a
new baby and a toddler. Since having her second child, she's been
overwhelmed.
Her firstborn is acting out. The new baby
is time consuming. Her husband feels ignored. My daughter is stretched
thin, trying to please everybody.
I've told her she needs to relax and lower
her standards some now that her family has grown. What other advice
can I give her that will help?
A: Well, at least your daughter has a mother who
cares about her!
You're not the first grandmother who's expressed
this concern to me. The second child can be challenging for lots
of reasons. Doing the research for Beyond One made me aware
of how many issues the second raises in women's lives. Your daughter
might find comfort in knowing that she's not alone in finding the
transition from one child to two difficult at times. That way she
won't blame herself for any problems she's facing (something we
mothers often do.)
With time I imagine your daughter will do what
all second-time moms do: lower her standards. I encourage this in
my book. But then, it takes time to get there. She's very new in
the game.
The best thing you can do is just to listen and
tell her that she's doing a great job. The power of listening and
validating whatever she has to say cannot be underestimated. Anyway,
you and I both know that no one wants advice from her own mother!
You might also point out that things get much
easier with time. Many women appreciate knowing that there is a
light at the end of the tunnel.
Finally, I suggest sending her my
tips on sharing parenting. Dad is especially important the second
time around and this column includes some ideas that can help your
daughter get the breaks she needs. The more your son-in-law can
do, the better off everybody will be.
Best wishes,
Jennifer
Author, Beyond One: Growing
a Family and Getting a Life
Q: I have a little girl who is a year old.
I'm due to have another baby shortly by c-section. My husband helps
on the weekends but is busy with work during the week. I worry how
I'll manage after the second baby arrives. Any advice?
A: Your situation sounds difficult so I understand
your concerns. The best thing would be if you could arrange in advance
to have some help immediately after your second baby arrives so
you can recover from your surgery.
Do you have a relative who can lend a hand? Can
your husband take some time off work to support you while you recover
from the c-section? Can you afford to hire some help? Or schedule
a neighbor or friend to take your firstborn out a few times during
your recovery period?
The other piece of advice I'll pass along is this:
don't worry about keeping the house clean. It's not important. It
would be much better if you could rest while your husband is with
children on the weekends.
Encourage your husband to take the kids out of
the house so you can get a real break. Take a nap while he is gone
or put your feet up. Again, try not to use all the "free"
time he gives you to do housework.
The most important thing you can do for your family
is to find some way to take care of yourself. Even small breaks
can really help a new mother of two.
I hope this helps. Good luck!
Best wishes,
Jennifer
Author, Beyond One: Growing
a Family and Getting a Life
Q: I have a young toddler and am expecting
my second child. I recently read your book, Beyond One.
I was already nervous about having the second child and your book
made me more fearful. I appreciated your humor, but how will I handle
everything that you describe?
A: Thanks for your honesty! I appreciate your
concerns, especially given that you are expecting a second so soon
after your first.
One thing you should remember is that while having
two small kids can be difficult early on, the second child really
makes you realize how much you learned about baby care with the
first. So the good news is that you'll be competent and confident
caring for your new baby. In that sense, having the second child
is much easier than having the first.
Finally, I want to highlight some positive aspects
of the book, in the hope of leaving you with a more balanced picture
- after all, you're expecting! Beyond One notes that siblings
often have great relationships (contrary to what you often hear.)
One of the great joys you will experience as your children grow
is listening to your kids play imaginary games together.
Two can challenge a marriage but they can also
make it more equal: men tend to get more involved with the family
after the arrival of a second. There's a tremendous sense of partnership
you experience when your husband's got one kid and you're tending
the other. In my own family, the second child really balanced things
out.
Finally, with closely spaced kids there's a big
payoff down the road: they play together, enjoy the same activities
and are on the same schedule.
Thanks for getting in touch and good luck. My
guess is that you will handle it all better than I have!
Best wishes,
Jennifer
Author, Beyond One: Growing
a Family and Getting a Life
Check back soon for more advice on life with a
growing family.
Got a question? Contact
Jennifer! She will do her best to answer it and will keep your
identity confidential. No medical queries please.
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